“I’m entitled to my feelings and you can’t tell me
otherwise,” yelled an enraged person just the other day.
Something inside me snapped.
Mind you, it’s been under a ton of strain for the vast majority of my
life but something about this moment was when I had enough.
Let’s start with the offensive pieces.
First, no person is “entitled” to feelings, emotions, or any
other reflexive neurocognitive impulse.
Entitlement, by definition, requires a community in which someone or
some set of individuals is recognized as having or deserving “special or
preferential treatment”. While hosts of
popular psychologists, therapists, and counselors feed sociopathic addictions
(and line their co-dependent pockets) by reciting the “entitlement” delusion, objectively
entitlement is an agreement, consideration, or an imposition that requires someone
to give
or have taken from them a concession.
Without a priori agreement in
each instance, neither you nor your outburst constitute such an agreement.
Second, they’re not your feelings. There are hosts of genuine sensory inputs
that conspire to build the notion of “feelings”. But the dominant narrative likes to shriek
about “my feelings” without doing any consideration about where those “feelings”
came from. When someone you think you
love finds other priorities, are “your feelings” injured or have you decided to
opt out of accountability (possibly a contributing factor to the perceived
loss) rather than sit and consider pathways to understand and reconcile
relationship accountability? When
someone dies, are they “your feelings” or have you attached meaning to temporal
attributes of life rather than living in complete fulness of each present
moment? When situations don’t work out
the way you wanted them, are “your feelings” damaged or have you projected an
unreasonable surrogacy or dependence on other people or circumstances without
consideration for their conscription into your illusion? I’ve yet to meet anyone yelling about their “feelings”
that isn’t parroting an entitled social cliché derived from consensus myth values
considered neither by themselves nor their purveyors.
Third, I have no interest in agreeing to, acquiescing to, or
recognizing “your feelings”. While I can
see conditions in which external or internal situations have created adversity
to be sure, my humanity can easily be stimulated to empathy. In transparent dialogue about a situation and
the self-aware processing of senses that give rise to pain or sadness, a
listening ear, a hug, or another expression of concern is quite accessible. But the conception of control of an
imaginary, ephemeral notion of controlling in another a reflex that is out of
control in the person ranting about “feelings” is a road too far.
Unwilling to let go of tirade when the bait wasn’t taken,
the person amped it up. “Yes, I’m angry
and I get that way when you try to control me.”
Funny, that one. That
sentence was yelled – face glowing red – by a person who had just heard me say
that if our conversation was to proceed, I would only continue the conversation
if tones were kept low and a commitment to truthful communication was maintained. The comedy in this was the fact that I had no
interest in controlling another. What I
did have was an interest in setting boundaries for the protection of my own well-being. The only control in the conversation was my emotional
disengagement from meeting the escalating frenzy. Setting ground rules for communication –
particularly when there’s been a history of reflexive loss of control – is not a
patriarchal imposition. Rather, it is a
means by which both parties can make conscious decisions about the value of
communication. Keep the ball on the
field – it’s a game. Kick the ball onto
the street – it’s a fatality waiting to happen.
What’s missing from this conversation?
- 1. Genuine commitment to integrity: There’s no question that people have unique perspectives on words, experiences, and most of all, recollections. Everyone’s perception of events, communication, and the like is, in fact, their own. However, insidiously, many times that perception is shaped not by the protagonists in a conversation but rather in the perspectives and worldviews of others that are implicated without attribution into those interpretations. A person should have lived longer. You should love me. My project should have succeeded. Integrity CANNOT exist when the uninvited guest of unspoken assumptions are allowed to be recklessly invoked.
- 2. Autonomy: One cannot give or receive “permission” from another for any reflex. Reflexes are autonomous and unconsidered. They – by virtue of our anatomy – do NOT INVOLVE cognitive filters and attenuation. Short of anesthesia or lobotomy, the ability for anyone to “control” in real or figurative ways, your perception is a direct function of YOUR ceding surrogacy to others for your experience. In other words, loss of control is ALWAYS on you.
- 3. Self-governance: While emotional trauma, pain and disappointment are in fact unique human experiences, mature communication never affords license to venomous attacks of others in the conversation. You may be hurt. You may have emotions. You may be frustrated. But only sociopathic abusers feel entitled to yell, curse or storm off enraged to exercise manipulation (not control) of a situation. These behaviors are NEVER acceptable and NEVER justified.
Having lived for over 30 years with incapacitating pain in
both of my legs has made me intolerant of self-inflicted pain. When my legs collapse in the normal course of
walking or navigating stairs, I find myself impulsively drawn towards thoughts
of other realities in which this wouldn’t happen. But in an instant, I’m reminded of the fact
that I’m walking. When I’m in conflict,
I’m frequently drawn towards questioning the merits of the relationship I’m seeking
to build, maintain, or heal. But in an
instant I’m reminded that I am blessed with the fellowship of others and don’t
live an isolated life. But I’m to a
point in my life where I have come to embrace the IS nature of the senses I
have and I strive to separate the reflexes that those engender from the
interactions I have with others. And that,
my friends, is because I’m not entitled to anything. I’m grateful for life… and that makes
all the difference.
x
