“I had a conversation with my mother about faith and
religion,” my dear friend told me over the weekend. “I asked my mother if I had been a
disappointment to her as I had not remained part of the Catholic Church. Her response was that while she was greatly
troubled at this point in her life, I would only be a true disappointment if
she died before I embraced the faith she held.
I don’t know how to choose between making her feel good and being
truthful to my own experience,” she continued.
Over the past several years I’ve encountered many people who
struggle with the social imposition of “beliefs” by family, friends, colleagues
or community. As polarizing litmus tests
proliferate from “likes” on Facebook to dogmatic political, social or religious
allegiances, the pressures to “choose sides” comes with considerable trauma and
persistent harm. In my own experience,
I’ve marveled at the frequency with which I have experienced people who embrace
beliefs over friendship, family, and fellowship. Excommunication is as alive and well in 2019 as
it was in the 4th century when to be Christian meant to be “right” or
suffer in this life and the mythical next.
One of the models I use to make sense of the world around me
is the Carbon atom. With 6 neutrons, 6
protons and 6 electrons (6-6-6), it is the building block of much of what we
call life. When light and life interact,
they seem to conscript Carbon rather persistently. As such, I find it a lovely template to use
to consider the energies that make things work in the human experience. When working with groups or individuals, I
often look at each individual’s 6 core energies that dominate life experiences
and themes (the neutrons); the 6 persistent characteristics that these energies
animate with a person (the protons); and, the 6 polar energies paired in
opposition with the protons with which serve as the energies with which the
outside world interacts with a person (the electrons). Using this simple model, one can readily see
that each person has unique affinities to certain external energies and equally
has no connection to other energies.
Belief is one of the energies with which many struggle. They feel either that they “should” have it
or there’s something quite wrong if they don’t.
Like all energies, in life, belief exists in polarity. If someone experiences considerable internal
doubt, belief (and community-held belief systems) can be quite helpful. Religious teaching adds particular gravity to
the notion of belief with Jesus’ rebuke of Thomas after the resurrection when
it is stated, “Blessed are those who believe even though they have not seen.”
(John 20:29). And again, “Now faith is
being sure of what we hope for and being convinced of what we do not see.”
(Hebrews 11:1). Faith, hope, and
belief…all attributes or energies that may apply to the lives of some, but not
all. But if you’re among those to whom
these energies don’t hold particular connection, you’re definitely a prime
target to be ostracized.
Faith, hope and belief all share come common energetic
attributes. First, they all rely on seduction. Sometime, somewhere, or something else is
held out as “better” than now, here, and what’s present. I’m perplexed with the number of times I see
those in politics and religion promote an indeterminant and ephemeral “other”
condition with aspirational ideals that neither they nor their adherents
experience. Second, each of these
energies rely on ego. Think about it. For
any of these energies to hold sway, you first have to construct an abstract
framework in which observation has to be subordinated to a worldview or
perspective other than the observed.
Then you have to judge each moment for its conformity to that
abstraction. In the end, you must assess
the proximity or distance of your experience or interaction to that abstract
ideal. YOU are the arbiter of both the
abstraction and its expression (or lack thereof). Third, these energies rely on judgment. Conformity and dissonance are the constant
companions to the persistent judgments that accompany faith, hope and
belief. And finally, and perhaps most
regrettably, faith, hope, and belief often require some variant of fear, guilt, or shame. I associate these three constructs as I find
that they all arise from a common notion of inadequacy.
Seduction, ego, judgment, and fear are all energies that, in
varying degrees, may be part of many people’s lived experience. When used to build genuine, constructive
relationship and community, they may serve a meaningful role. But when they are imposed upon relationships,
their toxin can do far more harm than those who embrace these energies appear
to know (or care to know). And more
insidious than their individual expression is their collective utility. When someone for whom belief, faith and hope
play an important role interacts with someone for whom these energies don’t
resonate, conflict is frequently imagined or imposed. Did my dear friend “reject” her mother’s
faith? Absolutely not. First of all, her mother wasn’t the initiator
of the Catholic dogma and therefore it wasn’t hers at all. It was a social technology used to
characterize the belief complex that served a role for her life. My friend didn’t have her mother’s
experience. That the Catholic religion
didn’t fit is not a rejection. One cannot
reject an option or reality that never existed.
When I go to a shoe store and walk past women’s high heel stilettoes,
I’m not rejecting them when I don’t buy them.
Thankfully, they’re not made in my size (or maybe I’d be
tempted...NOT!). And when the mother
dies, will my friend be the source of her disappointment? Equally, no.
Her disappointment will arise from her election to place belief, faith,
and hope over the full expression of living in her daughter.
Which brings me to my final observation. For most of my life, I’ve heard the
celebration of “faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love,” in
sermons, at weddings, and in countless other events. I find it most tragic that “love” is lumped
into this triumvirate. For most of my
life, many of those purportedly “loving” me fully integrated the four energies
referenced above – seduction (you’re supposed to desire an ideal regardless of
the present condition), ego (it’s all about me), judgment (it’s value is
derived from the exclusion of others), and, fear, guilt and shame (it’s
expected regardless of integrity and reciprocity). Love meant sacrifice, deferral, emasculation,
and isolation. This was all justified
because of social conventions and belief systems that defined classifications
of relationships that are entitled to concessions that would not be afforded to
anyone else. For the past few years,
I’ve engaged in a simple exercise. I
have expressed unconditional love – investing in attempts to build
relationships with those with whom faith, hope and belief have led to
estrangement. And in return, I’ve
experienced greater isolation.
Does my friend’s mother “love” her? Yes, in her own way. For reasons that she probably cannot truly
articulate, she wants her daughter to gain some eternal benefit for membership
in the right club. Is the threat of
eternal disappointment going to demonstrate genuine affection? Absolutely not. Its effect is destructive in the present and
will have lasting harm.
My advice to my friend is the advice I give myself each
day. Be kind, generous, compassionate,
and caring to others. Celebrate those
relationships with whom that value is shared.
The glass slipper that fits you fits YOU. Don’t try to wear others’ and don’t try to
lend yours out. And in the event that
proper nouns like family, community, or group animate within you an impulse to
tolerate judgment, hostility, or cruelty that you wouldn’t otherwise accept,
engage it only when you can explicitly do so based on your value of those social
structures not expecting humanity in return.
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